My self image

I think I should be talking more about what is happening now on a blog, but I feel the need to get all the historical stuff on first, which should give a context to the current stuff I want to move onto later.

My earliest memories of body image are poor. I was a size 16 when I was 16, which wasn't a high-street size then so I felt like an outcast every time I wanted to buy clothes. When I went on riding holidays with my slimmer more able friend, she was assigned a spirited elegant animal to ride, and I felt like I got the shire horse! I can sum up my body image with the phrase I have often used: "I've always been big".

This section is titled self image, not body image, but the two are so closely linked that I find it hard to separate them. Until recently, I had a very poor body image, which stopped my overall self-image being good. Avoiding looking at myself in the mirror, avoiding buying new clothes and putting things on hold until I have lost the weight all contributed to making me feel pretty low and unself-confident.

Now I have a very positive body image - more so than I think I have ever had before. It's not that I am lots slimmer, because I have only dropped about a dress size and I have been much slimmer than this in the last 5 years. It's because I have stopped avoiding looking at myself in the mirror and buying new clothes, and I have started doing the things I was putting on hold. I have started wearing make-up - not every day but often enough to be getting good at it, and yet still consider it fun and not a necessity.

I read in Beyond Chocolate the suggestion to look at myself naked in the mirror and imagine I was the first woman. This means there are no comparisons to other women. I can now consider my hour glass shape without judgement or comment, just acceptance. It's fascinating to discover just how much of our thoughts about ourselves and our bodies are in (usually unfavourable) comparison to others. "My legs are too fat (compared to ...), my stomach is bigger than it should be (according to ...) and my boobs aren't as big as ..." When we just consider our legs, stomach and boobs without comparison, they are just legs, stomachs and boobs. Without the comparison there is no judgement, no right or wrong, just parts of the body. It's a fundamental shift in focus and very empowering.

So, with a new body image I have changed my image. I didn't like my hair as it felt non-descript and frumpy to me. So it is now much shorter and instead of having a hair cut and then going months before doing it again, I have booked myself in for another cut 6 weeks later to keep it as I like it. I like it purple and I don't like it grey so Dave colours it for me around the time of my hair cut so my hair goes back to being short and purple every 6 weeks.

I wasn't buying new clothes for two reasons: I shouldn't spend the money on me, and it's a waste to buy clothes I hope to get too small for so I will wait and buy them when I have lost the weight. The first one just isn't valid: I bought a new pair of trousers for the summer this week from Asda and they cost £8. I can afford that. And then the idea of waiting until I have lost the weight. Putting my life on hold until I get to where I want to be puts pressure on me to lose the weight. Every day I look at my drab wardrobe or see clothes in Asda I am reminded that I have failed to lose the weight. How can this constant mental self-criticism ever motivate me to move on? And what if I don't ever lose the weight?

So now I buy new clothes regularly. I buy clothes that I would never have bought before - the summer trousers I bought this week are white. I have never bought white because it is too unflattering. I love them and what's more important, I feel great wearing them. When I put on clothes that fit me and wear some make-up I feel confident, energetic and happy. If I never lose the weight, isn't this enough?