My despair culminated in a massive aggressive outburst yesterday morning. This made it clear to me that dairy intake is at least a factor in my emotional problems. I spent a lot of yesterday morning writing - a new habit I started last week. I got up at 6am from Tuesday to Friday and sat at my computer writing. I splurged out everything I was thinking and feeling, even the tiny stuff I wouldn't bother Dave or any of my friends with. I have written more than 1,000 words each day and on Friday it was nearly 3,000!
The big session of writing cleared the air a bit and I started to improve straight away. I had my hair cut in the afternoon and this made a big difference as well. My hair has been getting out of control for a few weeks and it has affected my self-esteem. As is often the case, I didn't realise how much it was bringing me down until the situation resolved and I felt much better.
So, lots of factors combined and last night I was back on form. I was resourceful and positive, I made 3 different meals for the girls' tea without shouting, I didn't eat because I wasn't hungry but had a candlelit dinner with Dave when the girls had gone upstairs. I stopped drinking wine when I had had enough, and gave what was left in my glass to Dave. Then I had a cup of camomile tea and went to bed at a reasonable hour. All very positive.
So, a friend from the Beyond Chocolate forum has been doing a programme from a book called The No Diet Diet (Fletcher, B., Pine, K. & Penman D.) and blogging about it. I have been reading with great interest because I love that kind of thing. The concept is that diets don't work - well, I already knew that. It says that in order to change the way you think, you change the way you behave. Break habits that are tying you into certain behaviours and hence change the way you behave and then think. Not very well explained, and one of the authors writes for the Daily Mail so it is a bit tabloidy, but the message is sound and I have decided to give it a go. More excitingly, Dave is going to do it with me.
I don't think I will start a seperate blog for this, or even get around to blogging every day, but I will write about what is happening with the No Diet Diet (NDD) as often as I can. The programme is broken into 5 phases and Phase 1 starts today. The task is not to watch TV all day. That isn't going to be very difficult for me as I don't like TV but we will see how it goes. There are some extra little tasks to do during the first week as well, but as I am assessing a teacher this afternoon and out with friends later I don't expect to do any of those, but I will keep them in my mind. Examples of things I might try are paint or draw, read something you wouldn't normally consider, write a story, contact a long-lost friend, ride a bike, learn to meditate. The creative things appeal to me most - drawing and writing a story.
I feel quite excited about the new programme. It says you are guaranteed to lose weight while doing it, which I don't believe or expect, but I will enjoy shaking up my life a little.
So, thank you to all of you lovely people who have expressed concern and empathy for my emotional struggles. It is the support of my wonderful friends that gets me through these troughs and I only hope I can repay your kindness when you have your own troughs.